Best Man Speech Jokes: 50 Hilarious Lines

Did you know that 81% of best men think the scariest part is the speech?

Well, don’t sweat it because our guide to best man speech jokes will level up your game.

We’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly (hideous, even), and with over 22 years of experience helping stags, we know what makes a cracking speech.

Let the pressure melt away and keep the whole room entertained.

Check out our great best man speech jokes below! 👇

Jump To:

Why Write a Funny Best Man Speech?
How to Structure a Good Best Man Speech with Jokes?
Tips on Delivery
The Dos
The Don’ts
Opening Lines
Self-Deprecating Jokes
Classic One-Liners
Bold Best Man Jokes for the Speech
Best Man Speech Jokes About the Groom
Closing Lines
Jokes to Avoid
Final Thoughts
FAQs

Why Write a Funny Best Man Speech? ✍️

Research shows that humour is a powerful tool for public speaking.

A speech can be intimidating, and often boring for those who sit through it.

However, if you take the time to research and write a funny best man speech, it can be legendary.

Your best mate has trusted you, so you better get up there and deliver.

And with effort, you can!

Plus, jokes keep the speech light-hearted, and if you do it correctly, add a personal touch for the groom on his big day.

How to Structure a Good Best Man Speech with Jokes?

Where to start? Do I get the jokes over and done with? Do I save them until the end?

Listen, writing a hilarious best man speech is an art—but one you can master.

Our top tip is to use humour sparingly.

Back-to-back gags are overkill, and remember, it’s not your first crack at an open mic comedy night.

Here is our structure for a top-tier best man speech:

Welcome – Introduce yourself and explain your relationship with the groom.
Formal Intro – Reply to the groom’s thanks to the bridesmaids and groomsmen.
The Bride – Compliment the bride, it’s time to be charming before grilling the groom.
The Groom – Now you can rip into your best friend, and let the fun begin.
Soften the Blow – Yes, you have to say some kind words about him.
Messages – Take time to read any messages from individuals who couldn’t attend.
Toast – Close the speech by asking everybody to raise their glass to the happy couple.

Tips on Delivery

The key to a killer best man speech is in the delivery.

Confidence is king, and there are several tips to ensure your speech is on point:

Use Confident Body Language – Maintain eye contact with the crowd, smile, use your hands as you speak, and keep a straight posture.
Organise the Speech – Follow our structure, and it will flow naturally.
Keep Calm – Don’t blitz through the speech, take your time, and breathe. If it’s rushed, people could be laughing for the wrong reasons…
Project Your Voice – Loud and clear for everybody to hear, especially at the back.

The Dos… ✅

Follow our hitlist and you’ll deliver a quality speech with guaranteed laughter:

Practice – Practice makes perfect. Rehearse your lines, and you’ll deliver the speech like a pro.
Cue Cards – Bit of a throwback to awkward classroom presentations, but cue cards can give you reminders, so you don’t forget anything. It’s also better than holding paper.
Know Your Audience – This is essential. Know the crowd, and you can write your speech accordingly, which is dead important for getting laughs and avoiding upsets.
Light Humour – Tease the groom and mention any funny stories or key memories from your time as friends, as this adds a personal touch.
Inside Family Jokes – If you’re in on private jokes or anecdotes, use them; they can add charm that impresses the groom and his family.

The Don’ts… ❌

Avoid these common mistakes, save yourself from embarrassment, and don’t ruin the newlywedded couple’s big moment:

Leave it Last Minute – It’s not a uni essay. Your best friend has trusted you on his big day, so put in some effort, prepare, and make it special.
Copy and Paste – If you grab something from the internet it will be obvious. Write something special that the groom will remember.
Dutch Courage – Drinking too much is asking for trouble, you could slur your words, and alcohol can intensify your nerves.
Swear – It’s a mixed crowd, often with children and elderly attendees. Just steer clear.
Inappropriate Jokes – Anything about ex-partners, intimate relationships or overly personal stories. It’s also best to leave the bride out of it, even if you are friendly with her.

Best Man Speech Jokes Opening Lines

Here is a list of quality opening lines to kick off your funny best man speech:

“I was told my job today was to make [insert groom’s name] look good… So, unfortunately, I’ll need everyone to squint a bit and lower their standards.”
“I asked [insert groom’s name] what he’d like me to say today, and he replied, ‘Just make sure you keep it short!’ Which, ironically, is what he said the first time he met his in-laws.”
“I spent ages trying to write this speech, but my main problem was that every time I’d finish, [insert groom’s name] lawyer would get in touch.”
“Before we get started, I’d like to thank the bar staff for their quick service today. Thanks to them, I have the confidence to stand up here.”
“If you’re wondering why [insert groom’s name] chose me as his best man, just remember—he once thought it was a good idea to wear [insert bad item of clothing] to their first date.”
“Well, I don’t want to take up too much of your drinking time, so I’ll keep this short.”
“I’ve heard they’ve been running a bet on how long my speech will last. I’ve put £50 on half an hour, so strap in and get comfortable.”
“If anybody here today is feeling nervous or sick, it’s probably because you’ve married [insert groom’s name].”
“I’ve been told not to mention any of [insert groom’s name] mistakes or embarrassments, so thanks for listening everyone, that’s all from me!”
“Attractive, smart, caring, an all-round great guy… but that’s enough from me, I’m here to give a speech about [insert groom’s name].”

Self-Deprecating Jokes

This is a classic. Take the p*ss out of yourself, it will make the crowd laugh and win them over!

💡 Top tip from StagWeb: go light on these. It comes across as self-centred if you joke about yourself constantly.

“As the best man, my main role is to be the responsible one today—so naturally, I’m the least qualified person here.”
“[Insert groom’s name] said he wanted someone who’d make him look good… so here I am, making his life choices seem genius compared to mine.”
“I’m actually quite nervous about public speaking, but at least I have something in common with [insert bride’s name]—neither of us knows what the groom was thinking by picking me.”
“I’d love to say [insert groom’s name] picked me because of my wit, charm, and good looks, but, well, we all know that’s not the case.”
“I’m actually surprised they handed me the mic. Usually, people just try to keep it out of my reach for everyone’s safety.”

Classic One-Liners

Include some classic one-liners to keep the jokes punchy and help the speech flow:

“Today we’ve seen two people exchange vows, rings, and a very awkward kiss in front of everyone they know.”
“[Insert groom’s name] asked me for some marriage advice, so I told him to find someone who’s always right. And he did. Congrats to [insert bride’s name].”
“Marriage is like a deck of cards—at first, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. After a while, you just wish you had a club and a spade.”
“They say marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”
“They say love is blind, but marriage is the real eye-opener!”
“Marriage is finding that one person you can annoy for eternity and still be their favourite.”
“We’ve reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see [insert groom’s name] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right, I’ve just given him the drinks bill.”
“I’ve been asked to keep this speech filth-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out.”
“This has truly been a day to remember. [Insert groom’s name] finally bought a round of drinks.”
“I have been looking forward to today. After all this time, [insert groom’s name] has finally admitted I am the best man.”

Bold Best Man Jokes for the Speech

Now, bold jokes are hilarious, if used correctly.

Don’t push it, keep it clean, and these will cause laughter without crossing the line:

“You know, people say marriage changes you. I give it about three months before [insert groom’s name] is shamelessly wearing matching pyjamas.”
“Today, [insert groom’s name] made the biggest decision of his life: deciding which of us friends are banned from his house due to ‘bad influence.’”
“Before [insert groom’s name] met the bride, he used to say his best qualities were punctuality and responsibility. So naturally, today he arrived late… and asked me to keep track of the rings.”
“Now, I promised the groom I’d keep this speech respectful and dignified… but that was before he handed me the bar tab.”
“I’m not saying the groom was nervous about today, but he did Google ‘Can you get a refund on a wedding?’ last night.”

Best Man Speech Jokes About the Groom 🎩

Grilling the groom is essential for any best man speech jokes, so pick your favourites and let him have it!

“Less is more, except in [insert groom’s name] case where less really is less.”
“The fact that [insert bride’s name] agreed to marry [insert groom’s name] is proof that not only is love blind, it’s also tone-death and has no sense of smell.”
“And for [insert bride’s name] intelligence really matters. I mean, let’s face it, she can’t be marrying him for his looks.”
“The fact that he ever thought [insert bride’s name] would date him in the first place just goes to show that fortune favours the bold.”
“[Insert groom’s name] is really like family to me. He’s like the little sister I never wanted.”
“When I think of all the people I look up to and respect… you’d be right up there. Serving their drinks.”
“We all know [insert bride’s name] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.”
“As part of my best man research, it turns out I’m supposed to sing [insert groom’s name] praises and tell you about his qualities. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t sing, and I won’t lie.”
“So where do I start with [insert groom’s name]? Well, he’s handsome, intelligent, charming… sorry… [insert groom’s name] I’m having trouble reading your handwriting.”
“I’m going to keep this speech like [insert groom’s name] – short, simple and not very funny.”

Closing Lines

After charming the crowd, it’s time to close your speech like a legend.

Use these finishing lines for the grand finale:

“As [insert groom’s name] best friend, I couldn’t be prouder of him today. He’s found someone who truly makes him better—let’s just hope [insert bride’s name] has the patience of a saint. Cheers!”
“Before I finish, I’d like to give [insert bride’s name] some words of advice: if at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way you told [insert groom’s name] to in the first place.”
“Thank you for all being here to celebrate two incredible people. May your love grow stronger, and your patience with each other infinite.”
“[Insert groom’s name] told me that the meal was charged per person, so on behalf of the bride and groom, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”
“Please can everyone toast to the two young, well, quite young, people in love? To the happy couple!”
“To [insert bride’s name] and [insert groom’s name], we all knew he found the one when he started spending more time with [insert bride’s name] than playing FIFA.”
“Thank you for listening to my first, and probably last, best man speech. It’s been a pleasure to list [insert groom’s name] endless qualities… in such a short space of time.”
“They say marriage is about facing challenges and overcoming them, so [insert bride’s name] has chosen well. [Insert groom’s name] will give her lots of those.”
“A great marriage is where both secretly suspect they were dealt the better hand, which is unfortunate for these two!”
“Here’s to [insert bride and groom’s names]—may your love be as deep as his pockets and as endless as her patience. Cheers!”

Jokes to Avoid ⚠️

Steer clear from these cliché, outdated, and cringe-worthy jokes or the speech will fall flat on its face:

“It has been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.”

Why? It’s literally the “why did the chicken cross the road?” of the best man speech world.

“I’ve been told if I do a good job today, I can be the best man at the next wedding!”

Why? It’s offensive and assumes the marriage will fail. It’s not what the couple want to hear on their special day.

“[Insert bride’s name], please put your hand flat on the table. [Insert groom’s name], please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment, [insert groom’s name], because it’s the first and last time you’ll have the upper hand.”

Why? This joke has been used thousands of times before. Seriously, you can do better.

“I know [insert groom’s name] is nervous about today, but he’s probably more nervous about his new mother-in-law.”

Why? Avoid mother-in-law jokes, you’re just playing with fire.

Any ‘ball and chain’ or freedom jokes.

Why? It’s outdated, negative, and has been told countless times.

Final Thoughts

We’ve been helping stags since 2002, so we know what makes the perfect best man speech.

Want further tips? Here is our Best Man Speech Ideas Guide, with tips from the experts.

If you want to become the ultimate best man, check out our complete guide, The Best Man-Ual, and you can take all the credit!

FAQs

What is the best man supposed to say?

While there is no official rulebook, the best man is expected to cover: an introduction, thank everybody, compliment the bride, joke about the groom, tell personal anecdotes, and close with a toast. This is thoughtful, entertaining, and concise, with enough space to work with.

What are good opening lines for a wedding speech?

This depends on your angle. Often, the best man introduces himself to the crowd and talks about how they met the groom. Keep it simple and use our best man speech jokes for a strong start.

How to introduce yourself as the best man?

Start by introducing yourself and how you met the groom. Next, mention anecdotes from your friendship. We recommend keeping your introduction short and sweet; it’s not about you, it’s about the groom and bride.